shittydndideas:

Shitty Animal Companions*

A list of disappointing dogs, bothersome birds, and other awful animal companions.

1. A crow who steals shiny things for you. Usually, it takes your own things, puts them somewhere else for a while, and eventually (maybe) brings them back.
2. A fox with extreme balance issues; it has to be carried everywhere, and cannot hunt.
3. A nearsighted hawk.
4. A carnivorous deer with bloodlust that tries to take a bite out of anything that moves.
5. A scarred, intimidating-looking dire wolf that is easily scared off by a smaller dog, a squirrel, a cat, or pretty much anything else.
6. An owl that you’re pretty sure can talk, but that only says “who” in a human voice.
7. An invisible dog. It barks at all hours and will only stop if you scratch it behind its ears (wherever those are).
8. A cat. Just a regular, asshole cat.
9. A parrot that swears like a sailor and curses like a witch; whenever it speaks you either have to have a counterspell ready or simply apologize to whoever it’s offended.
10. A clinically depressed horse.

*note: this list does not portray the author’s actual feelings about animals. All animals are perfect good beans and deserve lots of love.